Heal Your Traumas Before
How do heal your trauma before it’s a problem?
Here lately there is a new trending post going around that says “You should heal your traumas before you have children.” They all vary in ways of delivering this message, but the bottom line is your value as a parent is greatly diminished or even that you being their parent in this unhealed state is even detrimental to the child. This is the most toxic statement I have ever read, and I have read many. But it affects everyone, even those without children in so many negative ways. We all had parents, right?
Now in all logic, I know no mother is going to read this and say, “oh wait, I’m damaged and have trauma. Better not hurt the babies anymore!” and just walk out. That doesn’t make the message any less toxic to our self-worth and healing.
So let’s have some real talk about trauma.
First of all, I don’t actually know anyone who is completely free of trauma. Everyone I have ever met, if they wanted to admit it or not, had some wound inside of them that shaped their every day. Everyone I know suffers from some symptom of trauma if not several; a sleep condition, anxiety, depression, and of course there are many others. This often results in health conditions over time; memory loss, stomach problems like ulcers or IBS, and even cancer have been rampant in those suffering with self-worth issues as this is the house of our Sacral Chakra, right in our stomach. The Sacral Chakra is where we carry our self-worth.
So let’s talk about trauma and the best time to heal it. Because what happens if you can’t heal the trauma before you have kids? Maybe you weren’t ready or maybe the trauma hadn’t occurred yet. Much of my own trauma was experienced as an adult after I had my children. It’s certainly not their fault, but I can’t forfeit being their mother because I faced struggles. If every mother did that we’d all be orphans.
I can only hope that in my healing my children will see what’s possible. They will see that everyone can break, no one is safe, but that equally everyone can heal. That you can take responsibility for your weaknesses as much as you can your joys, and in doing so there is power and transformation.
This is the message I hope to share.
So when is the right time to heal?
Have you ever experienced a time when you felt crazed by your pain? Angered and tormented, frustrated by yourself, your reaction, your emotions?
Have you heard the phrase, “You always hurt the one you love?” Have you ever yelled at someone you loved? What about physical reactions? Have you ever thrown anything or struck at someone out of anger or frustration?
When these instances happen it is our wounds calling out to us for help. Screaming is more accurate.
These are messages from your subconscious telling you that your wounds are ready to heal and they are so ready that they are going to become more and more aggressive against you until you listen.
The best time to heal is when you’re able to recognize the need to heal. But if we don’t know how then there’s no ability to even if it is the best time. So when do we heal? Whenever we can! However we can! Whatever it takes.
Since childhood, we’re taught to ignore and brush off pain and to keep moving. We’re filled with programming and really have to combat this on a daily basis, some of us from the time of conception. If your mother struggled with her health, physical or mental then you were programmed with these same traits since conception. But no one teaches us how to combat it usually. If we’re blessed, we are born into love though and have a loving supportive family despite its problems despite its challenges, there is love in the home. So yes, of course as mothers we would love to be fully healed before carrying our children so as not to perpetuate this cycle of such negative early on programming. We’re burdened with enough shame and guilt as it is, aren’t we?
I spent most of my children’s lives in a state of guilt and shame for my physical and mental struggles both. In an ideal world, I would love to shield them from this. However, looking around, this is nothing like my ideal world or theirs!
This is actually called shame-shielding. Who labeled it that? I did. Just now.
You’ll see this in parents who don’t want their children to watch any progressive movies or books that express sensitive topics.
Parents around the world are shielding their children from their flaws, painting on fake smiles while they suffer trauma in silence until it eats them from the inside out. Like it did me, it landed me in the hospital for physical symptoms not mental symptoms, for years and 7 surgeries in between literally hundreds of hospital stays. Some parents are shame-shielding their children from violence and other kinds of abuse. Some parents are shame-shielding from their mental wounds and challenges, hiding their depression, not claiming their challenges like being bipolar.
It is these denials that deepen our wounds, cause them to lash out further, and wound our loved ones. It is the repression of our emotions, shoving them into the box and ignoring them away that is the act of saving them for later!
Think of your emotions like leftovers from a not so great Mexican restaurant that you don’t want to throw out because that’s wasteful, but don’t want to eat because it’s gross, so you leave it there to rot. These are your emotions, bad leftovers.
So the ideal time to deal with emotions is right in the moment. Don’t take home the leftovers, don’t store the emotions away in a box for later. Eat your meal, enjoy it, connect, feel, experience, and let it go.
When we find our internal refrigerators full of bad leftovers what do we do? We can let them rot away, and keep stacking new leftovers on top until the fridge stinks so bad we have no choice but to experience either a very unpleasant rotten life day in and out or clean the fridge. Do the healing work whenever you can. However you have to. Schedule it in.
Reach out and talk to me about what healing could look like for you. It’s not the same path for everyone. Not everyone is ready to heal in this lifetime in fact. Some of us are meant to carry this into the next life. Some of us are ready though.
How do you know you’re ready? Healing is scary, it’s hard, there’s a lot of ugly in it, and insecurity at first.
We know it’s worth it though. And we know we’re ready when we’re tired of putting up with the smell of our leftovers.
Until next, unique souls.